24 Jokes For Moms
Knock knock…
Would you please step away from the bathroom door and let me have 5 minutes of peace?
Note: Not all jokes result in full-on laughter, but may instead lead to other responses, such as a smile, a snort, confusion or straight up anger. If you don’t think these jokes are funny, please just refer to them as “haikus”.
1) Stand up comedians and breastfeeding moms have one major thing in common: they’ll both whip out their bits pretty much anywhere
2) I made a bedtime routine with books, a bath and calm music but I still don’t sleep through the night
3) Family: an exclusive club that usually makes its own members
4) No means no always, except when you say it to a baby, then no means yes
5) Sleeping through the night after having a baby and not getting to do that for a year feels like waking from a cryogenic deep freeze
6) Some moms save baby hair/fingernails and note their every move in a book; Ok fine, so being a mom could be compared to being a stalker
7) What’s more dangerous than riding a bike without a helmet? Riding a bike without a helmet near my baby
8) Try to dress for the action or, for example, instead of looking like you’re running with a baby you look like you’re running away with a baby
9) Baby’s toys are so crazy colorful — they look like a bag of Skittles and Starburst exploded on them
10) Summing up each pregnancy trimester in one word;
1st trimester: sucks
2nd trimester: sex
3rd trimester: snacks
11) Being a mom starts waaaay too early in the day
12) If you think your job is hard, try having a baby and taking care of it
13) I wonder if tigers/deer/bears/cats/rabbits etc. also annoyed by their in laws?
14) It’s not that my baby is super smart, it’s just that when he wants a question answered, he goo-googles it
15) I did a mommy and me yoga class today and I have to say, my mom is a lot more flexible than I thought she’d be
16) Let’s take it down a notch, DJ who plays James Brown at 7:30 am, I feel OK
17) It’s not enough of a warning in cigarettes to say “Smoking harms your baby”, it’s also gotta say it harms your cat, dog, drug dealer, etc
18) I highly advise breastfeeding for baby nourishment/closeness, PLUS it gave me the deflated, flat, white girl ass I always wanted
19) I wish we needed annual ma’ammograms instead, i.e., checking to see if it’s time to be called ma’am yet or if miss will still do
20) Here’s a totally safe, free form of birthcontrol: open, honest dialog about how much the childbirth/postnatal experience can realllly suck
21) I guess I’m not a good person because my inner dialog all day while I’m walking around is, “Move!”
22) I am starting to understand the true purpose of having a nanny; it’s so that moms can shower
23) Ah shit, there’s a baby asleep in my apartment and it’s mine!
24) I’m as skeptical of relationship experts as I am of ghost hunters; What’s a relationship expert? A person who charges $$$ to tell you what your mom, friends and the bartender already said?
Jessica Delfino is a comedian, musician, writer and new mom who writes about life with one baby, one husband and one cat. She is currently developing a TV show about motherhood and writes about #momlife at Mommyish.com, VH1.com, her blog Jessy Delfino’s Blog, on The Coo on Facebook and Twitter, and more.
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