It’s Just Not Working Anymore, Every E-Mail List I’m Currently On

A break-up letter to pretty much every e-mail newsletter that exists

by Jessica Delfino

Dear Candle Company / Hip Jeans Store / Magazine That I Thought Was Cooler Than Me:

I am unsubscribing. Please try not to take it personally, though it is.

It’s just that — when you first started e-blasting me, I was like, I don’t really need to get involved with anymore e-mail lists, maybe I should nip this in the bud before things get out of hand. I wasn’t even sure exactly how it all got started. Then I remembered I drunkenly made a sad impulse purchase of a candle / a pair of “slim fitting” jeans / a subscription. It was fun. We were younger. You made me feel like new things were possible. I didn’t mean to go all the way with you, but it happened and I don’t regret it. However, I didn’t know you were going to e-mail me five times a week. It’s just…a lot.

Then, things started getting weird. I know you were listening in on my phone conversations. You started sending my mom ads on Facebook. You started sending me ads on Facebook. Who knows how many of my friends you did it with? But to be fair, you’re not my only mailing list, either.

Plus, I heard that your CEO is a creep. And that you don’t have many POCs in…