I Wrote Comedic Songs About Vaginas 10 Years Too Early

Here’s What I Learned From Being An Early Bloomer

Jessica Delfino

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Let your minds wander back to a brisk October evening in 2005/2006. What were you doing? Getting out of work? On your way to the gym? Not yet born? I was schlepping my guitar in a big heavy case by it’s clumsy handle, because I hadn’t gotten wind of the convenience of soft backpack guitar cases yet, over to an ambitious, young film maker’s house to record a video for a song I’d written called, My Pussy Is Magic”.

Here is a press photo from 2008, taken in an L.E.S. cafe that has long since closed.

It wasn’t the first vagina comedy song I’d ever written, but it was the one that got the most attention.

When I moved to New York City after graduating art school to start comedy in 2001, I was doing stand-up like all the other young, hungry acts of the time, hoping to get seen on one of the city’s many grungy stages by the industry reps who were rumored to lurk around the windowless clubs to try to catch the next big this or that. My plan, like any hopeful, starry-eyed young comedian, was, that I’d get plucked out of the five scantly, if at all paid comedy sets a night hustle and dropped onto a sound stage with a vast audience of happy pretty people who were paid just to be there and laugh at the jokes in my very own sitcom.

My first comedy business card

In an attempt to stand out, I started looking for some tricks to pull out of my hat. What made me different?, I considered. I’d been playing piano and singing since I was a kid, and I had been given a guitar by a boyfriend at age 15, which after one crummy half-hearted lesson with a human cigarette who I basically owe my creative life’s work to, taught myself to play from there. I enjoyed playing classic rock and pop covers and singing, and before my love affair with comedy began, I had a dream that I’d grow up and become Madonna. But then I discovered 2 Live Crew, Joni Mitchell, Alanis Morissette, Liz Phair and Sarah Silverman.

One night, I was compelled to see what would happen if I smushed them all together and let the wild, inner guitar-playing comedic goddess in me out. I took my old Fender acoustic into my hands, a gift from a different former…

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Jessica Delfino

I write about life with 1 husband, 2 kids, 1 cat, sometimes funny. Instagram.com/JessicaDelfino Bylines: TheNew Yorker, The NY Times, The Atlantic, McSweeney’s.